Baby on Board= Bad Idea? (Updated)
When I’m standing in queue at Wal-Mart I like to say ridiculous things to the person in front of me. Sometimes I just mumble to myself about where I’m going to hide the bodies, or tap them on the shoulder while slipping into a ski mask, then, when they turn around I’ll whisper; “now would be a good time to leave”. As soon as they show understanding or fear I take a picture of their facial expression for a photo essay I’m doing for National Geographic called: “Pardon Me? The Moment Before I Flee From Security”.
As fun as all that can be, my favorite thing is to ask a question. It’s normally something like; “I just love meth! Don’t you?” or “Did you see that sexy, white and brown goat outside? I’d like to take it back to my farm-yard if you know what I mean”. Most of the time I just get an emphatic shake of the head “no” but sometimes I’ll find someone who thinks they’ve found a kindred spirit, a fellow drug-addict, or someone else who loves goats a little too much.
What I didn’t expect to find when I wrote “The Alarm Clock Blues” yesterday was that someone actually was missing their baby; however, that seems to be the case:
Re: Alarm Clock Blues
Man! I thought I was getting away with free babysitting! I wondered why there was some Polish guy talking on the radio when I got in!
P.S. It’s ok about the Mint Milanos. I like the Girl Scout Thin Mints better anyway
Obviously, this necessitated that I reply:
Re:Re: Alarm Clock Blues – 23 (OKC)
I’m so relived to have found you! You’ll be happy to hear that your baby and I have been getting along great. Since I didn’t know her name I’ve been calling her Baby Gaga and dressing her in wigs and strange hats. we spent most of the day yesterday learning the choreography to “Poker Face” and I must say, I’ve gotten pretty good. She, on the other hand, can’t even remember the steps for one eight-count. As punishment I told her to clean the kitty litter but she kept eating it and now my cat is so afraid of her litter box that she’s learned to use the toilet.
Let me reassure you that Baby Gaga is perfectly safe here, at the apartment above my mom’s garage. She’s currently wedged under the leg of my piano, keeping it level. With this extra stability I think I’ll finally be able to learn a very difficult piece of music called “chopsticks”.
I am rather anxious to get Baby Gaga back to you, but I’d rather we avoided meeting in person due to the fact that I may have spilled some coffee in your car and I’m worried you’ll be angry. Here’s how I propose we handle the trade: Drive my car to the new Holiday Inn on S. Meridian and S.W. 15th St., go to the front desk and ask rather they’re holding any packages for room 420, it will a small box wrapped in red and green, plaid, foil wrapping paper. Inside the box you’ll find a Garmin Dakota™ 10 handheld gps unit. Follow the directions to your car and you’ll find Baby Gaga in her child seat, wearing one of her new outfits and watching music videos on her new Verizon V CAST phone.
P.S. I’m relived to hear that my cookie solution was acceptable to you and have thrown in some Girl Scout Lemon Chalet Cremes™ as well.
P.P.S. I collect old joke books as a hobby and, for lack of bedtime stories to read, I used these to lull Baby Gaga to sleep. Here’s her favorite:
A pirate was talking to a “land-lover” in a bar. The land-lover noticed that, like any self-respecting pirate, this guy had a peg leg, a hook in place of one of his hands and a patch over one eye. The land-lover just had to find out how the pirate got in such bad shape. He asked the pirate; “How did you lose your leg?” The pirate responded; “I lost me leg in a battle off the coast of Jamaica!” His new acquaintance was still curious so he asked; “What about your hand. Did you lose it at the same time?” “No,” answered the pirate; “I lost it to the sharks off the Florida Keys.” Finally, the land-lover asked; “I notice you also have an eye patch. How did you lose your eye? The pirate answered, “I was sleeping on a beach when a seagull flew over and crapped right in me eye.” The land-lover asked, “How could a little seagull crap make you lose your eye?” The pirate snapped; “It was the day after I got me hook!”
- Location: OKC
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Update! This morning I discovered this response:
Re: Re: Re: Alarm Clock Blues
I’m glad to hear that Shelby has taken so well to you. (That’s her name, by the way, Shelby) She doesn’t normally care for strangers so it’s really quite a shock! I thought she was growing out of her cat litter eating phase though. She hasn’t done that at my house in a week or so. Maybe your cat litter is different than ours? I don’t know what that’s all about, but if she ate alot of it I’d be happy to replace it for you. I’m also glad that she was able to provide your piano with the stability for you to finally learn how to play Chopsticks. It IS one of the more difficult tunes to pick up.
By the way, it’s OK about the coffee, I accidentally spilled some fish sauce in your car (well it’s actually a mix of fish sauce, rice wine vinegar, ginger, soy sauce and honey that I dip my eggrolls in). I went for Chinese takeout last night and realized by the time I got home that the sauce leaked out all over the seat! I apologize for that! I cleaned it out as best I could and saturated the seat with Febreze but I’m afraid there’s still a faint smell of fish permeating through your car. To show how sorry I am, I will leave 2 bags of Mint Milanos in the glove box.
Well I expect that you’ll be glad to have your car back and I know that I’m thrilled to be getting back my little girl! This will eventually be a memory we can look back upon and laugh about! Thank you for taking such good care of my little girl!
- it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests
