She misses my missed connections

I seems that my hiatus has not gone unnoticed:

You make me laugh. (CL)

Even though you said it couldn’t go further than CL, I miss you funny posts. Your jokes were lame but paired well with all of your missed connections. Could you and the Denny’s man be the same poster? I love to laugh. Please don’t let this be a missed connection any longer.

She misses me my funny posts! Awww, how sweet. This short ad contains a surprisingly large amount insulting points, It’s almost as if the author was running out of ribbon for her typewriter and needed to cram in as many ignorant points as she could before her type faded away into a light reverse-embossing. I almost don’t know what I should find the most insulting, the fact that she thought my jokes to be lame, that a post about me apparently didn’t warrant a quick proof-read, or that anyone would think I’d have written that tasteless post about the fat girl at Denny’s (I mean, a fat person at Denny’s is not really a surprise. One or two of those Lumberjack Slams would certainty push my B.M.I. above twenty-five.)

Putting aside my hurt feelings for a moment, I feel a duty to reply, but not directly:

Time machine – m4w – 23 (A Temporal Rift -AKA- the Southside)

I met you next week if today is thursday. Let me explain.

About a month ago in your time I completed my goal of converting my ’86 Chevy Van into a time machine. I know what you’re thinking, “Why not a DeLorean?” Well, I’ll tell you; first of all that was a movie, because of said movie the price of a DeLorean in decent condition has become more inflated than the dollar (U.S. or Canadian).

Secondly, If you’re going to travel through time you should have some cargo space for all the awesome stuff you’ll be bringing back, for example I was recently tasked with a writing assignment on the topic of Antebellum America. In order to attain the utmost historical accuracy, I consulted with President Andrew Jackson, at gunpoint, and he agreed to write my paper longhand on the back of a wooden plank that I pulled off his desk (This is how he earned the nickname “Old Hickory”). Needless to say, I totally aced that class.

Thirdly, what’s the saying “If this van’s a rockin’ don’t come a knockin’ or else I’ll go back in time and take a photo of that Christmas when your grandma bought you all of those dresses and made you model them for her while she called you Tina even though you were crying that your name was Tom.”

Anyway, I think I’m getting a little off track here. Next week I saw you at Kohl’s buying an umbrella to protect yourself from all the ash caused by that volcano that popped up around I-40 and Portland (B.T.W. next week a volcano will pop up around I-40 and Portland). I was (will be?) behind you in the check out line and you asked me for the time. Normally my go-to reply to this type of query is; “It’s sexy time!” but I could see that you were a very serious person (based on your perma-scowl and cigarette stained fingers) who wouldn’t be amused by my Sacha Baron Cohen reference so instead I said; “its half past one”. I really must apologize for that grevious error on my part, you see, when you bend space as often as I do it becomes difficult to keep your watch set correctly. The actual time was two-fifteen.

I sincerely hope that the misinformation I provided didn’t cause you to be late for any important matters such as your next nicotine fix. I wish there was some way I could give you back that time…

I feel that any apology I offer will be inadequate; however, I have heard that laughter can cure anything so here’s a joke to lift your spirits:

A guy walks into a bar, sits down next to another guy and immediately notices the guy has a very large Bic cigarette lighter.
The first guy says “Wow, that’s a huge lighter…where did you get it?”
The guy replies “A genie from this bottle granted me one wish.”
“Great, can I try it?”
“Sure.”
The first guy rubs the bottle and the genie appears. “You are granted one wish” says the genie.
The guy says, “I want a million bucks!”
“Done” says the genie and disappears.
A few minutes go by and suddenly the bar door swings open and pouring in come ducks. Thousands and thousands of ducks falling all over each other through the bar door.
“I can’t believe this,” says the guy who had just placed his wish, “I asked for a million bucks, not a million ducks!”
The second guy then says, “Do you really think I wished for a 12 inch Bic?”

P.S. Any requests for a ride in the time machine will be granted as long as they’re received before 12:45 pm Tuesday
P.P.S. Antiques for sale! Great condition! Like new!

Location: A Temporal Rift -AKA- the Southside
it’s NOT ok to contact this poster with services or other commercial interests